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Archives and past articles from the Philadelphia Inquirer, Philadelphia Daily News, and Philly.com. Gooey, cheesy rice enclosed in golden crunchy crumb. Need I say anymore? The Italians are genius, GENIUS! I received one of those 'no brainer' questions a few weeks ago.

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Tennessee Titans.

Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Tennessee Titans.

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Your 2. 01. 1 record: 9- 7. Your coach: Mike Munchak! Great guy! Makes you wear sports coats. Your quarterback: Jake Locker! Lotta motor in that dashing young man! What’s new that sucks: Wideout Yance.

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Dell Thig. Cali. Britt is a speed demon! What has always sucked: Ooooooh, that miserly Bud Adams! I hope that fella kicks the bucket soon so that this team can move into the future! WAIT. Wait wait wait.

I’m very sorry. Wrong Titans. Hang on a second. Let’s start again…[flips through files]Your team: Tennessee Titans, official team of the Spero Dedes/Solomon Wilcots booth. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7.

I honestly don’t know how you go 9- 7 in the AFC South and not win the division by eight games, and yet here we are. It says a lot about the Titans that they can have more promise than any other team in their division by far and still blow it by committing a zillion penalties, botching onside kicks, playing dirty as shit, losing to Jacksonville on Christmas Eve, and limping their way to a crypto- . By the way, it will shock you to learn that an NFL team had its season derailed thanks to a devastating injury to a young passer. REAL STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS.

By Week 1. 7 of every AFC season, it’s Tom Brady squaring off against 1. Mc. Cowns. Roger Goodell couldn’t protect a trick- or- treating basket. Your coach: Mike… I still wanna say Munchak?

There’s a Mike and K in there somewhere. Oh, right! It’s Mike Mularkey.

Loved him in Bull Durham. Last year was Mularkey’s first winning season as a head coach in a dozen years. Why, it’s like Jeff Fisher never left. Stick with either man and eventually a winning season comes around like a fucking solar eclipse. Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, whose incredible potential is exceeded only by his terrifying fragility. It’s like if Jake Locker were actually good, but also still Jake Locker. Do you know what I mean?

The team drafted Corey Davis (from Western Michigan… no GLORY BOY he… ask the Chiefs how high picks from directional Michigan schools turn out!) and brought in Eric Decker to give Mariota more weapons, which will make it all the more sad when it’s Matt Cassel throwing them the ball come Week 1. What’s new that sucks: One of the wideouts beat the shit out of a dude at a bar on Draft Night because fans taunted him when the team drafted Davis to take his job. You also signed the defensive back that Pats fans loved to bitch about almost as much as the Tyree catch. In brighter news, the GM has taken it upon himself to also coach! GRRRRRRRRR SO MANLY…Robinson decides who wins one- on- one battles, which determine a practice championship belt for the offense or the defense. He broke up a fight Wednesday.

On Thursday, Robinson stood between blocking dummies holding a pair of taped- together tennis rackets to obscure Marcus Mariota‘s vision and provide an obstacle. There might not be another GM doing what Robinson does during practice.“It’s just kind of my style,” Robinson said, via Paul Kuharsky on paulkuharsky. I’m an ex coach. I like to be involved. I like for the coaches and the players to see that, hey, I’m willing to come out here and go to work and not just stand on the side and take notes. I want to be involved with those guys and show that I care about the direction that this football team is headed.”You know, being a general manager in football is an incredibly difficult job.

You have to scout players, manage the cap, constantly scour the free agent wire in case you have an emergency, act as liaison between the coaching staff and ownership, conduct a never- ending re- evaluation of your roster, and do a million other things. And yet, it’s amazing how many outright bullshitters and blatant office politicians are given this kind of job. I thought the Colts were dupes when it came to hiring a GM, but here comes Jon Robinson revolutionizing his position by standing on a tackling sled. Jesus. I give him two years.

What has always sucked: One of the amusing ongoing subplots revolving around the Titans is that heiress Amy Strunk is clearly going to sell the team, but can’t quite figure out when or how to do it. That’s how you end up with completely sincere news reports like this: Rock star Jon Bon Jovi, who attempted to buy the Buffalo Bills and remains very interested in owning an NFL team, continues to monitor the Tennessee Titans ownership situation closely, league sources said. I like the idea that the Titans are so lacking in relevance that they’re a designated target for Robert Kraft to gift an NFL franchise to his dad rock buddy.

That would be an extremely NFL thing to happen. Well, we can’t give Dollar Store Springsteen a REAL team like the Packers… give him the Tennessee Whatstheirfaces.” Susie Adams- Smith recently announced she’s selling a third of this team. Jon. Bon will be waiting silently in his Middleton Township command center, ready to offer three gold records and a leather fringe jacket.

HE IS MONITORING EVENTS CLOSELY. By the way, thanks to the Falcons, you people can no longer lay claim to having the most painful Super Bowl defeat for an anodyne Southern NFL team.

Big blow. But really, what does it matter? The Titans are, at any given moment, the ninth most popular football team in the state of Tennessee. This is a lame team, playing in uniforms reserved for bad movies that can’t secure NFL licensing rights, staging games in a lame city filled with transplants and posers who are either too redneck or too broke to make the full move to L. Watch Beautiful Creatures Online Hoyts here.

A. Besides, Nashville is a hukkey town now. GO PREDS! [5,0. 00 Tomi Lahrens gather outside arena to listen to Brad Paisley earnestly sing the Nationwide jingle before a matchup with the Penguins]What might not suck: They’re good. If Mariota stays intact (LOL), this team is genuinely good. Kinda cruel that they’re gonna be wasted on Nashville. We should airlift them to San Diego or something.

Did you know? Fuck Clay Travis with a hot chicken leg. HEAR IT FROM TITANS FANS! Matt: Last year, we had a chance to make our first playoff appearance since 2.

Mariota’s leg snapped in half while dynamic duo of Brock Osweiler and Tom Savage led Houston to a division title. My Eddie George jersey did get some love at a recent 9. So there’s that. Adam: The last time I was excited about the Titans was when Kerry Collins led the team to a 1. Looking it up just now, I was shocked that was all the way back in 2. It’s been a goddamn decade. John: I have no doubt that no matter how good this team actually ends up being, we’ll still go 2- 4 in the worst division in football. Isaac: We are the only team in the history of the NFL whose defense allowed Johnny Football to throw two TDs in the same game.

Jacob: Anyone remember the last time they beat the Jaguars multiple times in the regular season? That would be 2. 00. JC: God I love the Titans but I once saw a guy with “TENNESSEE STYLE” tattooed across his goddamn shins. That is some shit right there. Dave: Remember in Gremlins, how Phoebe Cates’s dad dressed up in a Santa costume one Christmas Eve, slid down the chimney, and broke his neck, where he remained unnoticed until his family smelled his festering corpse? Imagine how awful and traumatic that must have been for her.

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